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Howard Finkel wishes everyone a “happy NEWWWWW year”
Cena believes fans are chanting “You can dress well”
Triple-H threatens to make The Chaperone 2
Michael Cole replaced by robot that mentions Tout a million times per second
Raw expanding to nine hours
Sunny named AOL’s “Most Downtrodden Woman” of 2012
Firefighters extract overzealous Mick Foley from chimney
Vince McMahon spends last night on earth tearfully watching old Armageddon PPVs
Wrestlers apparently don’t notice camera crew filming their “secret” conversation
481 wrestling fans making “Ryblack” signs for tonight’s Smackdown taping
Study shows that any moron can technically be a “smart” wrestling fan
Spanish announcers looking forward to seeing other tables smashed for a change
The Shield renamed Nexus 2
TNA’s Final Resolution fails to finally resolve anything
R-Truth prepares for Cesaro by learning to speak one language
TNA fans on their feet (due to lack of chairs)
Man tricks wife into watching wrestling thanks to “TLC” acronym
Wrestler suddenly realizes steel chairs can also be sat upon
Ikea Monkey rumored to be fourth member of The Shield
Paul Heyman confesses he’s “not really a Paul Heyman guy”
MITB briefcase to be replaced with filing cabinet
Camouflage singlet allows Big Show to wander around unnoticed
Punk’s knee injury attributed to long periods of sitting cross-legged
Attractive female at ringside presumed to be wrestler’s wife or mistress
