Five Knuckle Shuffle proves ineffective in bar brawl

Despite its devastating effect when delivered by John Cena in the wrestling ring, the Five Knuckle Shuffle proved “frigging useless” in a recent bar brawl, complained a bruised patron.

“I don’t know what went wrong,” lamented 28-year-old Lee Woods, who attempted to emulate Cena during a melee that erupted last night at Cleopatra’s Bar and Grill in Lancaster, PA.

“This dude got knocked down to the floor and I saw my chance,” recounted Wood, wiping dried blood from under his nose.

“I stood beside the guy, stuck my right arm in the air with five fingers outstretched, then I leaned over and put my face right next to his and did the you-can’t-see-me hand-waving gesture. Normally Cena bounces off the ropes at this point, so I kind of pretended to bounce off the bar. Then I stood over the guy again for a moment, pretended to brush some dandruff off my shoulder, and fell fist-first toward his face.”

Added Woods: “It didn’t work out the way I’d hoped.”

Much to Woods’ dismay, his adversary easily dodged the attack and retaliated with a swift kick to Woods’ groin, followed by a flurry of uncoordinated-but-effective punches to the head and neck.

Before long, the brouhaha was broken up by bouncers, who were reportedly crying with laughter.