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WWE fans happy to see the Bella Quadruplets
Halle Berry fires her agent
Randy Orton replaced by life-size cardboard cutout of himself
Fandango now refusing to debut until people correctly pronounce “otorhinolaryngology”
3MB easily overpowered by debuting Three Guy Band (3GB)
All WWE referees treated for attention deficit disorder
God planning enormous rainstorm for WrestleMania to punish WWE for blasphemy
The Rock exhausted from countless title defences at WWE house shows
The Shield issues shaky handheld video demanding justice and video stabilizing software
Undertaker vows to wrestle at all WWE events within walking distance of his house
Disgruntled TNA fans chant “We Want Russo”
Conspiracy theorists allege Giant Machine was actually Andre the Giant
Developmental wrestler developmentally delayed
TNA to hold events in individual fans’ homes
Retirement match surprisingly leads to actual retirement
NASA says Russian meteor was intercepted by Vladimir Koslov headbutt
Primatologists teach Lesnar to communicate with basic sign language
Unprotected sex with porn star allegedly gave Cena a case of Boston Crabs
Valentine’s Day a bittersweet reminder for Kane of Katie Vick
The Rock’s popularity skyrockets among crackhead demographic
Thousands of would-be Olympians apply for work at WWE
Divas Elimination Chamber match booked for Sunday as part of equal rights campaign
“Pope” D’Angelo Dinero applies for vacant job at the Vatican
John Cena romantically linked to Ron Jeremy